Category Archives: thinking out loud

Dolly & Gloria

advocacy, books, politics, reading, thinking out loud, ,

Gloria Steinem’s death came just a few days after that of Dolly Parton. They seemed to be two women who spun in very different orbits. However, their lives intertwined in a way that shows that feminism is more complex than the anti-woke crowd would have us believe.

Ms. Magazine republished Steinem’s 1987 tribute to Parton, the year the latter was named of the magazine’s Women of the Year. (Days later, the same magazine published a tribute to its founder.)

I encourage you to read both articles. For me, the most powerful statement is Steinem’s simple but powerful definition of feminism: “If feminism means each of us finding our unique power, and helping other women do the same, Dolly Parton certainly has done both.”

I think Steinem gets it right and it is simple. Everyone gets to discover and embody their unique power. Create a life that makes sense for them as individuals. Define themselves in ways that make them feel whole. That’s it: no one is forcing anyone to live as a trad wife or a childless cat woman. Have babies, don’t have babies; get married, don’t get married; work outside the home, don’t work outside the home. You get to choose.

If early feminists were evangelical in their quest to get women out of the home and into the world, it was because of the context of the times. Women were ruled by men in their personal, professional and financial lives. Opportunities to work outside the home were limited and often ended upon pregnancy. Even as late as 2008, I had a man tell me that, if he was able to provide continuing grant support for a project, he would probably only be able to keep on my male colleague since he had a family to support. I was married without children at the time so I suppose he thought I was working for fun even though I was actively consulting and finishing up a doctorate.

I was born on the cusp of the first and second waves of feminism. One of the best books I’ve read that shares the experiences of my mother’s generation is The Book Club for Troublesome Women. Here’s my review from LibraryThing:

“The Book Club for Troublesome Women showed up in my Hoopla recommendations. Four women in the new suburbs of Northern Virginia come together to read Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique even as the world and their lives are changing irrevocably in the early 1960s. Bostwick’s story was heart wrenching in many ways as we see women belittled by the world, and in many cases, their own husbands. But Bostwick also explores ideas about how the enforced roles of women required enforced roles for men who may not find bread winning to be their real desire. Of course, there are pretty petty men as well, and I found myself shouting “a*****e” a few times along the way.

She weaves history into the story as the women in Concordia, Virginia, were right on the doorstep of the March on Washington and lived through the assassination of Kennedy. We see them grappling with their changing roles, coming to understand the importance not just of friendship but also mentorship. And, I am a huge fan of Katherine Graham who shows up as herself and provides some support for one of the characters in the novel. It felt a little “Forrest Gumpy” but helped underline the turmoil of those years.”

We grieve the loss of these women. We watch in horror as their work is belittled and dismantled. So, we do what people have always done: we pick up the mantle and march on. Labor Day is a great day to write a letter to your legislator to let them know where you stand on the issues.

Sigh

advocacy, poetry, thinking out loud

Writer, farmer, and activist Wendell Berry died yesterday, aged 92. He told the stories of his people in quiet prose and reflective, if sometimes combative, poetry. I have read a few of his novels, but it is his poetry that speaks to me most strongly. He is my favorite poet as I resonate with his love for rural life along with his anger at environmental destruction. I have written about him often on this blog. I suspect “The Peace of Wild Things” is his most beloved poem as we all find ourselves longing to escape to a place of quiet tranquility.

Berry, however, was much more than just a rural bard rambling through the fields. He was an environmental activist who used his poetry to lament the loss of nature and with it the diminishment of our own lives. Look & See: A Portrait of Wendell Berry documents the challenges of being a farmer in the 21st century through the eyes of Berry, his family and his neighbors and friends. It is not so much a biography of the man as a portrayal of a disappearing way of life. In the trailer, Berry recites a poem written in 1997 from his collection of Sabbath poems titled A Timbered Choir.

Hanging With the Old People

Life, thinking out loud,

My mother celebrated her 91st birthday last week, and I was thrilled to be able to spend time with her. I spent a week visiting with her and my father, also 91, and their friends. We went out to dinner with a long time family friend, and I sat in on my mother’s Bible study group, something I have done several times. I am sorry I missed the discussion of Bad Girls of the Bible.

I am incredibly fortunate to still have both my parents in my life. While my mother has mobility issues, she is able to get around with a walker. My dad is in better physical shape and still drives short distances to the grocery store, Starbucks and their favorite sandwich shop. When the weather is nice, they take a picnic to the local park. They repeat themselves (as we all do) and their memories can be faulty (mine, too), but they keep up with the news and participate in events at the retirement community. Our dinner out was at the new fine dining bistro on campus. I enjoyed delicious gourmet potstickers and lobster ravioli in pesto cream sauce.

I am also fortunate to be able to connect with my parents’ friends as well. They talk openly about the joys and challenges of getting old. The leader of the Bible study made a comment that has stuck with me. In a discussion of what kind of evidence we use to support our beliefs, she said she tends to dwell more in the mystery of her faith, not doubting but finding the human explanations of the divine and the afterlife to be inadequate to describe her widening sense of the beyond.

The women in the Bible study also talked about the challenges of continuing to find purpose in their lives. Most of these women married, raised families and, as part what I think of as the Betty Friedan generation, a few went to college and most worked outside the home in some capacity. They had opportunities to travel. They volunteered in their local churches and communities while they worked and more so after they retired. Now, even as their world gets smaller, they see the next generation moving into their places as committee chairs and event organizers.

I don’t remember if the group had a specific answer to the challenge of finding purpose, just that it was a struggle. For me, the answer lies in the way they live: they are active in the world they inhabit. They participate on committees, offering their historical knowledge (the retirement community is 75 years old); they meet in various study groups; they attend lectures, concerts and, if possible, go on field trips. There are several choral groups and a bell choir that participate in the weekly chapel service. The retirement community has partnered with the Rodale Institute, which operates a small farm on the campus. Residents are invited to help with the farm as they are able, and everyone benefits from easy access to fresh vegetables. There are lots of public spaces where people can socialize. Usually, one table in the gathering area holds a jigsaw puzzle. Together, these elders are creating a new purpose, supporting themselves and others through the process of growing old and dying and providing an example to the next generation about how to live your whole life.

Knowing Our Limits

Life, thinking out loud, work,

This is a tough post to write. I tried yesterday and gave up. But, I think there is an important lesson here for all of us.

One of my students is going to fail the summer school class.

It hurts.

I feel like I have failed.

I could get into a long explanation of her struggles, but the short version is that she overestimated her ability to do it all in a world that rewards busyness and where exhaustion is worn as a badge of honor.

Summer school is not for the faint of heart when you work in K-12 education. The summer term overlaps with the school year on both ends. Educators are at their busiest in May and August while trying to find time to start and finish a pretty intensive summer school experience. But taking two courses means one more semester towards the goal and especially for my library science masters’ students, a potential upward career move.

This student told me she was impatient to get finished. How hard could it be? Just 14 weeks, a few late nights, a little stress over deadlines. But, she has kids, and it’s summer vacation for them, too. Every summer is another one gone to spend camping and swimming and just hanging out. It would be nice for the work/life balance to swing in the life direction for once.

I was reminded of the conversation sparked by British businesswoman Emma Grede‘s comments about being a three-hour mom. While she makes some time on the weekends for her four children ages ten months to eight years old, she is also clear about needing time for herself. Her comments, of course, received some backlash, but she was unapologetic. Men, she noted, are lauded when they spend 60 hours a week working. If women are going to have the same opportunities to succeed as entrepreneurs and business leaders, ideas about their role in their children’s lives have to change.

So, Emma Grede has made a decision that her work/life balance swings towards work, which may be why she is worth $300 million dollars. She is not bothered by the mundane routines of life like cooking and laundry and dusting. She and her husband employ a staff that includes a chief of staff, nannies, housekeepers and a private chef.

Another way to think about work/life balance is to redefine balance as integration. That is how Donna Morris, an executive vice president at Walmart, describes her approach. It is how I see my sister, the chief financial officer for an investment company, operate when we visit together. She may answer an email while we wait for our lunch or take a phone call as we relax on her porch; a family visit may include her disappearing into another room for a meeting before we head out to go shopping. Her work seems to be her life but it is really just part of the life she is living.

In the end, we all have to decide on our priorities. If you are going to start a business, work is going to be the priority. Are you prepared for what that means for the rest of your life, especially your family? Would you be happy only spending three hours with your children? What about your spouse? And perhaps the most important question: what are your physical and emotional limits? Just how much stress can you take?

We all have limits.

My student learned her limits the hard way this summer. I hope she carries the lesson forward when choosing how to spend her limited time and energy. Maybe being more than a three-hour mom is more important to her than finishing her program early. Maybe her definition of success is more personal than professional.

I learned my limits over the course of several years when I was consulting on multiple projects that required extensive travel. I tired of airplanes and hotel rooms and whirlwind trainings pretty quickly and begin reconsidering how I wanted to earn a living.

We can admire women leaders like Emma Grede and Donna Morris without feeling like we have to emulate them in our own lives. Sure, I could find something to do with $300 million but, honestly, I’m not willing to work that hard even for a personal chef.

My Last Monday

thinking out loud, work

When you work as an independent contractor, you never really retire. I called it retiring when I left the Virginia Society for Technology in Education as the directorship had been my main gig for many years. But, I continued to consult and teach. For the past year, I have taught online for a Virginia university’s library science program. I am finishing up the summer semester this week. I am not scheduled to teach another course until the second half of the fall semester. So, once I submit my grades this coming weekend, I will not be working for money, my version of retiring.

To be honest, the teaching I have been doing takes up just a few hours a week so it won’t be huge change: there are no live classes, only office hours. I joke that my main jobs are to nag and grade. I also work hard to create community and develop meaningful relationships with my students in an online, asynchronous class. But despite not being a huge demand on my time, the work provided some structure to the week. Next Monday, it really won’t matter that it is Monday. There will be no announcements to post or assignments to grade.

I am spending my first week of “retirement” visiting my family in Pennsylvania. And then, when I return the following Monday, the week unfolds with wide open spaces on the calendar. Rereading my post from 2022, I have kept to the list of what was going to do when I retired: reading, gardening, and lots and lots of making of all sorts of arts and crafts with a focus on making different kinds of books. I practice the piano most days and occasionally pluck at the ukulele. My morning routine includes journaling and some sort of artwork, often a quick collage or doodle. We adopted a dog last year, and we take a long walk each morning, watching the property change with the seasons. I am doing some volunteer work including serving on the Board of Trustees of the regional library system, participating in a bell choir, and playing piano and singing hymns with a group at the local rehab center once a month. I have avoided the very active pickleball group but do attend the book group at the library.

This fall, I want to spend time doing all of the above along with quilting and watercoloring, two of my newer interests. As for writing, I will keep poking at this blog. It might be fun to do some throwback Thursday posts to see what I was writing about in 2003 and 2013 and all the years in between. I would also like to try my hand at poetry. Earlier this year, I wrote a daily haiku and found it to be a mindful way to start each day. To that end, I pulled a few poetry writing manuals off the shelf.