Hanging With the Old People

Life, thinking out loud,

My mother celebrated her 91st birthday last week, and I was thrilled to be able to spend time with her. I spent a week visiting with her and my father, also 91, and their friends. We went out to dinner with a long time family friend, and I sat in on my mother’s Bible study group, something I have done several times. I am sorry I missed the discussion of Bad Girls of the Bible.

I am incredibly fortunate to still have both my parents in my life. While my mother has mobility issues, she is able to get around with a walker. My dad is in better physical shape and still drives short distances to the grocery store, Starbucks and their favorite sandwich shop. When the weather is nice, they take a picnic to the local park. They repeat themselves (as we all do) and their memories can be faulty (mine, too), but they keep up with the news and participate in events at the retirement community. Our dinner out was at the new fine dining bistro on campus. I enjoyed delicious gourmet potstickers and lobster ravioli in pesto cream sauce.

I am also fortunate to be able to connect with my parents’ friends as well. They talk openly about the joys and challenges of getting old. The leader of the Bible study made a comment that has stuck with me. In a discussion of what kind of evidence we use to support our beliefs, she said she tends to dwell more in the mystery of her faith, not doubting but finding the human explanations of the divine and the afterlife to be inadequate to describe her widening sense of the beyond.

The women in the Bible study also talked about the challenges of continuing to find purpose in their lives. Most of these women married, raised families and, as part what I think of as the Betty Friedan generation, a few went to college and most worked outside the home in some capacity. They had opportunities to travel. They volunteered in their local churches and communities while they worked and more so after they retired. Now, even as their world gets smaller, they see the next generation moving into their places as committee chairs and event organizers.

I don’t remember if the group had a specific answer to the challenge of finding purpose, just that it was a struggle. For me, the answer lies in the way they live: they are active in the world they inhabit. They participate on committees, offering their historical knowledge (the retirement community is 75 years old); they meet in various study groups; they attend lectures, concerts and, if possible, go on field trips. There are several choral groups and a bell choir that participate in the weekly chapel service. The retirement community has partnered with the Rodale Institute, which operates a small farm on the campus. Residents are invited to help with the farm as they are able, and everyone benefits from easy access to fresh vegetables. There are lots of public spaces where people can socialize. Usually, one table in the gathering area holds a jigsaw puzzle. Together, these elders are creating a new purpose, supporting themselves and others through the process of growing old and dying and providing an example to the next generation about how to live your whole life.

Historic Cornwall

history,

I am heading to Cornwall, Pennsylvania, tomorrow to visit my parents. Their retirement community was built on land once owned by the Coleman family that operated the Cornwall Iron Furnace and includes several historic buildings related to the furnace and the family.

The greenhouses may be my favorites. They started as a grand conservatory built in the late 1800s. They’ve undergone major renovations but maintained their historic exteriors. The gardening club uses them and residents can store plants in them in the winter.

Cornwall Manor Greenhouse

Summer Art Journal

art,

I try to make art every day and keep a journal for that purpose. The journal contents change over time. This summer, I used a hand sewn journal I made out of multimedia paper. It features collages of various types, many using my own gel printed papers.

Die Cut Butterflies

One of the benefits of participating in craft groups is gathering ideas from your group members. We always start with show and tell and browsing others’ creations sparks my own imagination. In our meeting this week, we made small cards. I did collages and pockets with tags. I knew I needed to get them into my journal so found an easy tutorial from Cindy Lewis on making a pocket. I had made lots of pockets and interactive pages in the past but recently I was doing flat collages. It was fun to create an interactive page at the end of my journal.

Knowing Our Limits

Life, thinking out loud, work,

This is a tough post to write. I tried yesterday and gave up. But, I think there is an important lesson here for all of us.

One of my students is going to fail the summer school class.

It hurts.

I feel like I have failed.

I could get into a long explanation of her struggles, but the short version is that she overestimated her ability to do it all in a world that rewards busyness and where exhaustion is worn as a badge of honor.

Summer school is not for the faint of heart when you work in K-12 education. The summer term overlaps with the school year on both ends. Educators are at their busiest in May and August while trying to find time to start and finish a pretty intensive summer school experience. But taking two courses means one more semester towards the goal and especially for my library science masters’ students, a potential upward career move.

This student told me she was impatient to get finished. How hard could it be? Just 14 weeks, a few late nights, a little stress over deadlines. But, she has kids, and it’s summer vacation for them, too. Every summer is another one gone to spend camping and swimming and just hanging out. It would be nice for the work/life balance to swing in the life direction for once.

I was reminded of the conversation sparked by British businesswoman Emma Grede‘s comments about being a three-hour mom. While she makes some time on the weekends for her four children ages ten months to eight years old, she is also clear about needing time for herself. Her comments, of course, received some backlash, but she was unapologetic. Men, she noted, are lauded when they spend 60 hours a week working. If women are going to have the same opportunities to succeed as entrepreneurs and business leaders, ideas about their role in their children’s lives have to change.

So, Emma Grede has made a decision that her work/life balance swings towards work, which may be why she is worth $300 million dollars. She is not bothered by the mundane routines of life like cooking and laundry and dusting. She and her husband employ a staff that includes a chief of staff, nannies, housekeepers and a private chef.

Another way to think about work/life balance is to redefine balance as integration. That is how Donna Morris, an executive vice president at Walmart, describes her approach. It is how I see my sister, the chief financial officer for an investment company, operate when we visit together. She may answer an email while we wait for our lunch or take a phone call as we relax on her porch; a family visit may include her disappearing into another room for a meeting before we head out to go shopping. Her work seems to be her life but it is really just part of the life she is living.

In the end, we all have to decide on our priorities. If you are going to start a business, work is going to be the priority. Are you prepared for what that means for the rest of your life, especially your family? Would you be happy only spending three hours with your children? What about your spouse? And perhaps the most important question: what are your physical and emotional limits? Just how much stress can you take?

We all have limits.

My student learned her limits the hard way this summer. I hope she carries the lesson forward when choosing how to spend her limited time and energy. Maybe being more than a three-hour mom is more important to her than finishing her program early. Maybe her definition of success is more personal than professional.

I learned my limits over the course of several years when I was consulting on multiple projects that required extensive travel. I tired of airplanes and hotel rooms and whirlwind trainings pretty quickly and begin reconsidering how I wanted to earn a living.

We can admire women leaders like Emma Grede and Donna Morris without feeling like we have to emulate them in our own lives. Sure, I could find something to do with $300 million but, honestly, I’m not willing to work that hard even for a personal chef.